We had an excellent discussion the other night about D/s or M/s and how it applies to us. Only to discover that a lot of the qualities inherent in a D/s relationship do not apply to us. Why? Because neither of us are the type of person to think that way.
So..I can no longer say that we are a D/s or M/s couple. What are we, then? We’re not sure. Instead of focusing on *what* we are, we have chosen instead to simply be. We are us. A Wolf and his kat, together. Because that is what we are.
We have had a rocky time of things lately. Past hurts, past issues, rearing their ugly heads. Yes, ugly. Ugly enough that we almost couldn’t be saved from it. That, I will be honest, is mostly my fault. *thinks* No. Not fault. My experiences programmed me with a set of responses that I no longer wish to continue using. I want to raise my frequency above those hurtful responses and do better. Be better.
Most of them were programmed into me over the years I was with my ex. His stupid choices hurt me. I learned to respond a certain way to hide that hurt. I wonder if he realises just what he lost in those years, by making the choices he did? I wonder if he comprehends what he could have had if he had only been a little less of an arse and more of a man. Because I can’t call him a man…not after the things he did. The choices he made. The priorities he chose to put ahead of what he and I could have been.
Regardless, now I have to rise above what he trained me to be. I’m not a puppet! I’m a woman. Capable of becoming something far greater than he ever thought I could be. He always used to call me his kitten. *rolls eyes* How..demeaning. Diminuitive. Dismissive.
Dismissive of the strength that is within anyone. I tried to talk to him about it. Tried to point out that I am far from being a helpless, mewing little thing. By the time I got together with him, I was already far beyond helpless.
So now, I reject that mindset. I reject being petty. Hurtful. I reject allowing my hurt to make me do or say things I would not normally say.
With Wolf, it is harder. Some wounds are still, quite frankly, fresh. Even so, I am trying. To overcome the lashing out that arises from the hurt. Trying to let the wounds heal so that they cause no more harm.
It is not easy. I am not perfect.
But I am trying.
I took my Eternity Collar off quite some time ago. It hurt to wear it because it served to make me feel like I did every time my ex called me kitten. Like I was supposed to just blindly follow, with no credit given to what I know or who I am.
But at the same time, it also reminded me of the love. Of the feeling of safety when I am curled up in Wolf’s arms. That special warmth, wrapped around me.
So I am at a point where I am not sure what to do. I want to wear the collar. Not because of the D/s. We are…we are above that. But to have that feeling of warmth and love with me, even when he is not.
Am I willing to wear it every day, all day long, as a slave would? No. I have a lot of jewellery I want to wear and I want to be able to change it whenever I choose. And when it comes right down to it, it doesn’t quite fit with my great-grandmother’s aquamarine necklace. lol
So. There we go. My ex is an asshole whose sole good contribution to my life was the DNA needed to create my five wonderful, awesome children. He taught me how to hurt people. He taught me how to resent.
I may never be totally rid of him from my life. We did have five children together, so that link will always exist. But the rest? I’m done with it. Better than that.
I love you, Wolf. Hasn’t always been easy for either of us. Neither of us are easy people. We are very complex on our own, never mind when we are mixed together. But we are also very strong. Very smart. Very capable individuals who, I feel, make an excellent pairing. lol We have certainly created two excellent children. 🙂 I want an excellent life. I know that with you, with both of us making the commitment and not giving up on ourselves or each other, we can do it. We can have the life and relationship that most people only ever dream of.
Love Ya. *pokes you in the ribs and makes a silly face to see that wonderful smile of yours*